Cleaning House

When I was younger, the house was often pretty messy. Both my parents worked and everyone was otherwise busy. There was usually a kitchen sink half full of partially rinsed dishes, laundry waiting to be folded, and vacuuming was always an option.

However, when guests were coming over, it was time to clean. Ironic that we would clean the house for guests and not ourselves, but a messy home is the hallmark of great industry and output, a signature of the ever-productive. The real issue, though, was to market ourselves as both clean AND industrious. A guise of military-grade discipline would supplement our pronouncements of hectic schedules and sleeplessness.

It seems China follows a similar protocol. Guests are coming into town in a few months, so its time to ban public smoking, cull stray animals, restrict the pollution pigs (the counterpart of cash cows?) of 3 quadrillion privately owned internal-combustion conveyances from the arteries of Beijing, and, naturally, to cut western Chinese remonstrances off at the knees.

The parallels between my childhood household and China are remarkable. At one time, an inferior race of whites lived in the shed next to a pool-sized sandbox in the backyard. They were normally pretty docile, but would sometimes raise the issue about exactly where the property lines were drawn, claiming the shed was not on our land at all. We called city zoning officials a number of times over the years to clear up the dispute, but they never responded. One day that old shed just went up in flames. Dad blamed it on lightning on what was a very clear night. Not a cloud in the sky. "Heat lightning," he would explain. We never did hear from the Shedites again.

In 1993, we were forced to issue a public smoking ban when 51% of smokers under 17 in our town reported having had their first cigarette on our property, out behind the old shed. It was a shame, since our property hosted many responsible, of-age smokers who just wanted to have a good time. But a few ruining it for everyone else is pretty common place. Just look at Nicholas Cage.

Observations I

I learned a few things this week:

Standing in line at the post office, an Emory student behind me was telling his friend:

"You know, I'd really love to live in a socialist nation for a while. Like Germany."
"Yeah, but the tax rates are really high."
"But the great thing is, it doesn't matter, because NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE, the government takes care of you when you retire!"

Brilliant, economically responsible citizens Emory is turning out there. Its time to jump on a boat for Euroland to live out my dream of being a junkie, cause no matter what I do with my life... well, refer to comment above.

In other news, I've come across a Jenna Jameson interview on Fox News about her life and career. At one point, the voluptuous Jameson promulgates the empowerment hardcore pornography has imparted on her as a woman. Mystifyingly, she fails to explain exactly how she is empowered by receiving anal sex, fellating a penis smeared with her own feces, and then allowing the agent of empowerment to ejaculate on her face. But I'm sure there is a very good explanation!

Please feel free to leave ideas in the comments and we'll try to send them to her. Thanks!

A Month Already...?

Wow, I can't believe its been a month since I last posted. I've tried to keep a blog many times, but as compelled as I am to deliver my experiences to my sole and faithful reader... me... I'm always dissuaded by more pressing responsibilities. It's cathartic to write about certain experiences, but catharsis requires distress, so happier times don't demand the same discursive treatment that means so much when I'd rather hide in a foxhole. Those moments are much fewer and farther in between than in the past, so now I find myself stagnating with the contentlessness of contentedness.

I think, however, that getting into the habit of writing about my positive experiences may help to enhance them and extract some ideas otherwise hidden or never born, while honing my composition skills.

I'm pretty much talking to myself now, so click here for something I think you'll really like.